Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Comfort zones and saying YES

Since moving to university mid September, anxiety has been become more and more prevalent in my life (who thought it was possible eh?) and along with that has come a lot of thinking (like a lot, a lot). As any other anxiety sufferer will know, it can be v v hard to move out of your comfort zone which has been particularly challenging at uni seeing as my comfort zone isn’t that vast. In fact it’s tiny. The tiniest comfort zone ever. Just going to my uni lectures, talking to new people and living in a new place are all things that are WAY out of what I’m comfortable doing and so the thought of socialising and going out to clubs and bars is a bit of a no no. This is especially difficult as I don’t drink which most people really don't understand and I get about 489191 questions when in a social situation (although I did have my first cocktail a couple of weeks ago with S, that’s about as crazy as it gets). Anyway, all this comfort zone stuff got me thinking about the things I’m missing out on at uni that my class mates and friends at other universities are doing and it’s got me feeling a little glum. I don’t really have any desire to go on night out’s, I’ve only been ‘out’ out once in my life and it was with the BF and friends from home, all of whom I feel the most comfortable with. Quite frankly the thought of queueing for a club in the cold northern temperatures (the weather here at the moment is somethin else) with people I’m not overly comfortable with makes me want curl up in a ball, cry and drown my sorrows in strawberry milkshake for the rest of time. At the same time I realise that going out and socialising and all that jazz could actually turn out to be fun; so far my uni experience so far has not been typical of student life and has in fact mostly consisted of assignment work, eating halloumi and skyping S and my friends (all of which I’m enjoying but y’know, I’m missing out on other things).

ANYWHO, all this thinking and overthinking and contemplating why I can’t possibly bring myself to say yes to anything at all has led me to the conclusion that this girl is about to make some changes. Dramatic as it sounds, I have made a pact with myself that I really am going to try my upmost to say yes to a few things that scare me. I’m not sure if this will happen university wise because going out and doing things outside of my halls bedroom is a little too daunting at the mo, but in other aspects of life I’m really going to try. I’ve been noting down some of the things I’ve always wanted to do but never really got round to. It might sound cliche but I really do think life is too short to put off doing anything that you want to. So, here’s the list:

1.Go to a festival. I realise this one won’t be happening anytime soon but at least that gives me time to prepare myself because this is the thing I want to do the most but am absolutely terrified of. Every year I see my friends / people I follow online’s festival snaps posted all over instagram and every year I wish I was also wearing flower crowns and being care free and having an amazing time with my favourite peeps. I’m fully aware that festivals have a number of other aspects to them such as the toilet situation (I try not to think about this part), being hot and sweaty in crowds (just the thought of crowds makes me panic) and the almost guaranteed possibility of rain. All that aside, I really do want to try. Oh dear god.

2. Go abroad. Similarly to number 1, this is another thing that terrifies me greatly but hey, that’s the whole point of the exercise *gulps*. This year I was invited on a couple of holidays with friends abroad to places I actually really do want to visit however I politely declined as well as saying nope to a holiday to Greece with my dad and sister. The main problem with going abroad is the intense fear I have of flying which I mean, is a pretty big issue when it comes to getting to the destination. The last flight I went on was really just a 4 hour dragged out panic attack and so you can probably understand why I’m reluctant to try the whole thing again. I also just have so much anxiety about traveling in general; the different currency, different language (perhaps I should just venture to America) and just the whole prospect of going somewhere new makes me WANNA CRY. However, next year is the year I am determined to head abroad whether that be by plane or not because I am so tired of missing out on seeing different parts of the world that I know I would absolutely love once I’m there. S and I are thinking of going to Paris which I like the idea of because there is no plane involved in that and also, with DisneyLand on the cards I really cannot say no. FINGERS CROSSED.

3. Learn to drive! Again, something nearly every single one of my friends has done and can now confidently get themselves around from place to place without needing their parents to be a taxi service. I'm still stuck using the taxi service. Learning to drive is something that I have put off for about a year now and have made numerous excuses for never getting round to doing but for some reason I am feelin pretty determined to do it now. Writing this blog post has reminded me that I need to order my provisional license ASAP and get my butt in gear to do this one because I really really do want to.

4. Get a job. Again anxiety has always got in the way of this one and the one job interview I have had resulted in one of the worst panic attacks I've ever had so my reluctance for this one is pretty great. Having never had a job because of being too terrified to do so has (obviously) meant a great lack of £££ but I always reassured myself that this was fine because I wasn't in a position to push myself to get a job without impacting my mental health. However, as a student in the most independent position of living away from home that I've ever experienced I feel like now is the time I want to try because after all, what's the worst that can happen? Also if I want to tick these other things off my metaphorical bucket list, I'm going to need some money to do so. 

So that's the great, exciting, wonderful and completely and utterly terrifying list. I really hope at some point I can re read this blog post and happily say I ticked everything off and I hope that happens soon. The cute lil illustration at the top of this post really stuck with me and if anyone else is feeling in the same anxious / hopeless situation of missing out on life then please try to remember it. "Don't be so safe you miss the fun"

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